cracked:

Just because it’s not happening doesn’t mean it’s not happening, wait what?
If Every Lie on the Internet Was True

cracked:

Just because it’s not happening doesn’t mean it’s not happening, wait what?

If Every Lie on the Internet Was True

comicbookcovers:

I’m My Own Worst Enemy - Part 5

I like the Thor one. Two dramatic pauses in the same sentence which ends with an awful delivery.

Husband and Wife Eating at Denny's.
Husband: Wow! This sandwich tastes almost as delicious as a sourdough dick.
Wife: Lance! What a horrible expression.
Husband: Its not an expression, Louise. I really think this sandwich tastes almost as delicious as a sourdough dick. I've had a lot of sourdough dicks in my mouth. I'm one hundred percent serious.
Wife: What's a sourdough dick?
Husband: It's a dick, Louise. A penis. From a man.
Wife: What are you telling me? You're gay?
Husband: I'm not gay. And I haven't had a sourdough dick since we married. I do miss them though. I could've sworn we talked about this before.
Wife: No! Never! This is the first time you've mentioned sucking a dick.
Husband: Whoa, whoa! I never have sucked a dick! I've just had them in my mouth. Sourdough dicks 'til dawn.
Wife: And why do you keep saying "sourdough dicks" ???
Husband: That's what they are.
Wife: I'm going to be sick.
Husband: Holy moly! That man's walking like 10 dogs. Look! Across the street there.
Wife: I'm married to a man who loves dicks in his mouth.
Husband: You're still going on about this?
Wife: Should we divorce?
Husband: What? No! You're my Little Miss Little Miss Little Miss Cant Be Wrong! Hey, just forget all about this sourdough dick thing, okay?
Wife: I guess I can try.
Husband: Trying won't cut it. I need you to sign these contracts saying you will absolutely forget about all this.
Wife: Oh. Alright. Do you have a pen?
Husband: I have 60 pens stashed throughout this Denny's. If you find three of them in under a minute, this dinner is on me. Ready... GO!
****its okay to repost my own stuff, right? Its been more than 3 years so its okay. its just a really sweet tale is all
teamcoco:

From last night’s #CONAN monologue. #YOLO #Amazeballs (at CONAN)

teamcoco:

From last night’s #CONAN monologue. #YOLO #Amazeballs (at CONAN)

collegehumor:

Has a photo ever more perfectly summed up the younger generation’s addiction to technology 

collegehumor:

Has a photo ever more perfectly summed up the younger generation’s addiction to technology 

theonion:

Americans Demand New Form Of Media To Bridge Entertainment Gap While Looking From Laptop To Phone